Wednesday, April 23, 2014

And then this happened on Monday....

"You never cease to amaze me...." Is what I just thought to myself about yours truly.

The scene:
 a sweet suburban town just outside of Boston on a warm, sunny and all around damn fine day

It's a speculator day here the Boston area. Sunny, almost 72 (yes 72...every degree counts after this hellish winter we just had). I spent the day going on a really long walk with my mom filled with great conversation and a fabulous lunch. She helped me fix (please read...fixed for me while I inhaled a bowl of soup and sandwich) a sweater that I made a little  too tight in the hips. (Maybe I should have thought a little more about this soup and sammy combo)

I need to start the next statement with a disclaimer...I am not a fan of lululemon not just because of their piggish views on full figure gals but because their stuff is SO over priced and everyone in there is slightly pretentious. That being said there is this zip up black jacket thing with a huge cowl neck that I have coveted for a year solid now. I have called every store around us for the past six months on and off to see if I could find one of these coats...No luck. They don't make them anymore and seems like they will never on my way back from the "best day ever" with my mom I made a quick stop at lululemon  just to see  if they had said zip up jack...I thought to myself..."What the hell!" Walked into the store and like a beacon of shinning light there it was...THE BLACK ZIP UP JACKET!!!!! It was tucked away in the back on a clearance rack and turns out that someone had returned and it was on deep deep discount (65% off) which for lulu is CHEAP. When the sales gal told me how much it was going to be a high fived her! That's how great my day was going. I should go play the god damn lottery!

That was until this happened.....

Cue the sinister music.....

I walked in the door to our condo (which is on the second floor of a three story building) and realized I had to take the trash out. It was over flowing and rather then making Alex do it when he got home from working the marathon I thought I should not be lazy and go toss it away... Grabbed my keys, the trash and walked outside. Pitched it in the large trash bin in the back of our building and began to walk back up to our back security door to realize ...."HOLY SHIT WHERE ARE MY HOUSE KEYS?!!?" We have lived here for 5 1/2 years and today turns out to be the day that I accidentally lock myself out of our condo. HOLY SHIT!!! Alex isn't going to be home for another 3 hours and I don't have cell phone or wallet. So since waiting this out at a local bar isn't an option or calling a friend to say, "I'm coming over" isn't happening I needed a plan C. The only thing I have is my car, office and mailbox keys....this is not good. This is not good at all people.

I look at my car (keep in mind I have NO clue about spacial relationships here...I mean NONE) and think to myself, "Ummmm...I wonder if I back the car up as close as I can to our balcony if I can jump from the roof of my car onto our balcony and pull myself up!" I mean the slider is open and I am only 33 so I still a few good years and stupid ideas left me. I drive up to our balcony and as I start climbing onto the roof of my Acura I feel my roof start caving in from my weight. "SHIT! That's going to leave a mark!!" Well I am already this invested into it I have no choice here. So here I am, standing on the roof of my car debating the following....

- There is a good 3 foot wide gap across and 2 feet up from my car to the bottom of our balcony, can I clear this?? Maybe.....
- Once I get that out of the way I have to then pull myself up from the floor of our little balcony up with nothing but the old weathered rotting wooden railing. And then I should be able to get in since I left the slider open because IT'S THE PERFECT DAY OUT. Should I roll the dice!?

After spending a solid 3 minutes debating the pros and cons of this I decided not to take this leap of faith because if I failed it would be a long way down and I really didn't feel like breaking my back, our balcony or my car this afternoon.

Drum Roll Please....I give you Plan D.....

There is a small auto body shop next to our house so I walked next door and met a very sweet younger guy named Zach.

Me, "Hi! I have a random question to ask you but do you have a ladder I could borrow so I can break into my house next door?"

Zach, "Well, yes but it broke last week and it's sort of fixed but I don't know how comfortable I feel having you use it alone"

Me, "Why don't you grab the ladder and let's go for a walk my friend!"

Dear Zach we don't have any other options here....

I said, "Ok, let's try it! If you hold it...I'll climb"

Zach, "Ummmm....I don't know how I feel about this"

Me, "Zach I won't tell anyone if you don't. It'll be FINE!"

Zach (poor kid), "Ok, but I would feel horrible if you fell and you're in flip flops!"

Me, "Yeah I would too!"

We walked back to my house making small talk. I found out our friend Zach just turned 21 this past weekend and was still a little hung over from the festivities....holy shit I am going to die!

So there we are standing in front of our condo and like a ripping off a band aid I climbed the ladder as quick as possible...hopped a foot up to the balcony and pulled myself up and over!!! We both cheered and right as I landed on the "safe side" one of the rotted wooden rails comes loose.

*So glad I didn't go with option c. SOOOOO glad!!!

Me, "Thanks new friend!! I owe you a cocktail!"

Zach, "Oh ok great! So should I...."

Walked inside and shut the slider while he was still talking. Sorry Zach....

Cut to me TEARING the house apart looking for the keys. I retraced EVERY SINGLE STEP I took in our 800 sq foot condo "aka shoe box diorama you would have made in 5th grade". keys ANYWHERE. So then I decided I must have thrown them in the trash...F********CK! I decide to do what any normal human being would do at this point....I "try" to find the bag of trash I had thrown away an hour prior. And "by find" I mean open the door to said dumpster and think "SHIT! THAT IS REEEEEEEEALLY NASTY" and then grab a stick to poke around a little bit. Nope no keys in there!

And here's the real kicker... our keys are special high intense Fort Knox kind of keys. You can't just go to a normal key making place to have these done...Nooooo hooooo  friends! You need to go to a place and then bring a SPECIAL CARD that we 100% do not have any longer to prove to them that you are the keeper of the lock. WTF?!

So here we are now on Day 3 of me without keys and Poor Alex had to go to three different lock smith places and BRING OUR PURCHASE OF SALE to show them we in fact own said house and are not creepy people trying to break in. HOLY SHIT! Well hopefully I don't do that again!

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